I wrote the poem below for the Fall Frenzy Writing Contest and decided to share as I was hoping it might touch the hearts of other parents. I was inspired to write this poem by the image below. It is about separation between parent and child. A universal process that I feel is both the most beautiful and most painful part of parenting. It begins as the child starts to walk and move away from the parent and continues through young adulthood and beyond. Sometimes, as parents, we lose sight of the fact that separation and individuation are the goal of parenting. Luckily, we can count on those kids for continual, sometimes unpleasant, reminders!

​BIG THANKS  to Kaitlyn Leann Sanchez and Lydia Lukidis for organizing this amazing contest for the kid lit community. Special thanks to all of the generous donors for contributing their time, expertise and books to this fun Fall event!

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Child of Mine
By Vasilia Graboski
 
  Child of Mine
I am your strength.
I am your foundation;
your roots.
 
You will grow.
You will change.
You will become yourself;
Flowing and fluttering in your own way.
Becoming you.
A Beautiful soul.
 
 Life will change you in many ways.
Sometimes it may feel harsh.
Life’s events may take pieces of you;
Make holes that you don’t desire.
Make you ragged in shape.
But you will still be you.
Beautiful you.
 
Over time, you will separate from me;
Slowly move away.
I will no longer be able to protect you
With my cover.
You will fly on your own.
But, pieces of me will be inside of you for always;
 to help guide your way.
 
Never forget where you came from;
the love and caring deep inside you.
Your foundation is strong.
It will flutter and flow with you
Wherever you may land.
 
 Child of Mine
Let the wind take you
Where you are destined to go.
Wander, explore, evolve,
I will always be there;
The foundation inside you.
 
Oh, child of mine,
I don’t want you to go.
But you must.
Now is your time.
Flutter, drift, glide, swirl, tumble, roll, emerge and
Soar through this great world. 

Join me in registering for this exciting event! Brian Gehrlein of Picture Book Spotlight has generously put together the amazing Picture Book Critique Fest 2019. There is a chance to win a critique from one of thirty-six published authors, author/illustrators or agents. Don't pass up your chance to participate. Check this out today! Click on the link below for detailed info.

https://www.pbspotlight.com/single-post/2019/09/24/Picture-Book-Critique-Fest

Millions of children in the United States live in single-parent homes without their fathers. This phenomenon has disproportionately affected minority groups, especially the African American Community, in a large part, due to the the history of mass incarcerations. It is also especially relevant today in the Latino community with the increase in deportations and family separations. 

Children growing up in fatherless homes tend to be more vulnerable to social problems and pressures. Research shows an increase in the likelihood of poverty, lower academic performance, behavioral and mental health issues and increased high school drop out rates. Children without a father figure also show higher rates of suicide, runaway incidents, substance abuse and aggression. Additionally, young men who grow up without father figures are twice as likely to end up in jail. Therefore, I think we can come to the conclusion that FATHERS ARE IMPORTANT! This fact is clear throughout the story. 

Daniel Beaty begins the story with a beautiful relationship between an African American father and son, who have many daily routines and rituals that bring them close. The father knocks on the son's door to wake him every morning and one day the knock doesn't come. Papa is gone. The boy strongly feels this void in his life and misses all of the rituals he did with his father. You can feel the sense of sadness and loss throughout the story and the illustrations.

The boy waits and waits for his father to return. He realizes he is lacking something and that he needs his Dad to teach him things as he grows. He shows a strong identification with his Dad and is afraid of forgetting what he was like. 

Finally, months later, the boy receives a letter from his father. This is a very sad moment in the story when he learns that his father will never be coming home. An important quote from the letter is "the best of me still lives in you." The father tells his son that he must knock down doors that he could not. He gives the boy hope that he still exists without his father and he has the potential to succeed. He does not have to let his past define him. 

The collage style illustrations throughout the book add tremendously to the heart and emotion of the story. Bryan Collier creates a realistic urban landscape with the father's things around the boy as a constant reminder. Of special significance is the hat that the father wore being present throughout the book. This seemed to me to be a symbol of the father always being present in the boy's life. I appreciate the representation in this book of an African American family. Children of all races need to be able to see themselves in books to know that they are relevant to the world. 

It is unclear in the book as to why his father is gone. However, the author pulls from his personal experience growing up in a home in which his father was incarcerated when he was young. The vagueness on the father's whereabouts feels especially relevant to me. Through working with these kids and families, I have noticed that it is common for caretakers to try and protect children from the fact that their parent was incarcerated. Children are often left in the dark with inadequate explanations and falsehoods, having to use their own imaginations on their parent's whereabouts. Children without a clear explanation often come to the conclusion that their parent left them voluntarily. This adds to the emotional distress and feelings of abandonment. For this reason, reading books such as this one, along with ongoing honest communication, are crucial to the emotional health of the child. 

This book not only addresses and acknowledges a child's feelings about a father's absence in their life, but also gives hope that they can move forward with the best parts of their fathers inside of them. 

The reality is, there IS hope! There are many things that can counteract risk factors in growing up in a fatherless home. Stand-in father figures can be especially helpful, whether they are extended family members, friends of the family or community members. Structured extra-curricular activities and/or church involvement can be helpful to kids in many ways. This participation can give them a sense of community, access to father figures and help increase self-esteem. 

I have included an activity below to go along with the book that can be meaningful to your children, clients or students. 

Also, check out the amazing monologue of Knock, Knock by the author, Daniel Beaty! https://www.danielbeaty.com/home

Since the illustrator used collage to develop the illustrations in the story, a great therapeutic activity would be to make a collage about the child's father. This might include cut-out pictures of things that Dad likes, ie. his favorite food, color, TV show, etc. It could also include interests the father has whether it be gardening, sports or cars, etc. Old photos, if available would be a nice addition, especially if there exists any of the child with their father. If the child does not know this information, it would be useful to have the current caretaker share some things they know. Additionally, you could help the child consult other family members and friends that knew him for more information. If that isn't available, have the child imagine what they think their father would like or be interested in. 

Materials Needed: 
Small poster board
glue 
scissors
old assorted magazines
copies of old photos
construction paper
letter stickers(optional)

Directions: 
1. Have child cut out pictures and/or lettering from magazines that reminds them of their Dad. Ie. favorites, interests, memories, etc. (if can't find pictures of what they want, draw things on construction paper and cut out)

2. Glue the above, overlapping, in a collage-like fashion, to the poster board. Add old photos if available.

3. Flip collage over and trim excess from edges of poster board.

4. Add lettering over the top with Dad's actual name and their name for him (ie. My Daddy, My Papa, My Father) 

5. Throughout the project, discuss father's interests, memories, personality, funny things about him, etc. If child never met father, have caretaker or others fill in gaps. 

6. Hang project in an area in the house that they will see often. 

​7. Have fun!

This book was inspired by a true story of a real polar bear friendship at the Central Park Zoo in New York City. ida ALWAYS presents love and loss in a deeply touching and insightful manner. It taps deep into the human (and bear) experience of connection and the deep feelings that illness and death elicit in all of us. Ms. Levis describes intense sensory experiences of sounds, sights, touch, smells and taste to gently, but deeply, address the human emotion. They are successful in explaining death and dying in a clear, matter of fact way rather than resorting to abstract concepts that confuse children further. The use of sensory experiences, along with a well done, age-appropriate explanation of death and dying sets this book apart from other books on loss. It is a true lesson for adults to understand the importance of informing and including children in the process of death of a loved one or their own impending death. 

As adults, our knee-jerk response in dealing with a child's experience of the death and dying of a loved one, or their own impending death is to shield them from it. After all, our role as parents, teachers, family members is to protect children. Shouldn't we then continue this role when it comes to death and dying? One of the most difficult things in this world is seeing a child in pain, whether it be physical or emotional. It's easier for us to pretend with the child and give them false hope.

However, the reality is that in trying to protect the child, as adults we are actually causing the child to feel more pain in the long run. We must allow our children to feel and understand throughout the process.  We cannot protect our kids from the realities of life. We can offer them age-appropriate, clear explanations that make life less mysterious and less scary. We can prepare them intellectually and emotionally. Even though they will go through the pain, as we do as adults, they will have the opportunity to express their strong feelings throughout the process and begin to grieve. They will feel safe asking questions and expressing their love to their loved ones in their last precious days together. This book is an excellent way to start this conversation. 

Gus and Ida, the bear friends in the story, are granted the opportunity to feel. The very caring and compassionate zookeeper, Sonya, does a beautiful job explaining Ida's illness and impending death to Gus in a gentle but straightforward manner. The story moves forward with Gus and Ida expressing their very strong feelings together. They show their anger at the situation by growling, howling, stomping and snarling together. They express their sadness together and the unknown and the wonderings of what will be. Through Charles Santoso's beautiful illustrations, you can feel the deep connection between the bears and the intense feelings they experience. 

The story oozes with compassion and empathy through all of the characters. Gus's knowledge of Ida's impending death allows him to be part of the care-taking process. He is able to do what he can to help care for her in the last days of her life. This care-taking process is crucial and helps tremendously with our feelings of helplessness in the situation. As I remember back to the deaths of my grandparents and parents, a very warm memory that I carry with me, is the small things I was able to do that made me feel like I was playing a role in helping them feel comfortable in their dying moments. 

The story goes on to show the transition of Gus's life after Ida's death. The sadness shown through Gus's character allows the readers to sit with the sadness. The quote in the book that feels the most important to me is "You don't have to see it to feel it." This quote has a double meaning in the story describing the sensory experiences of the bustling city around them, in addition to Gus's ability to feel Ida with him after her death. 

I highly recommend this book for children, and adults, who are experiencing any loss, especially one through illness or their own impending death. I have included an activity below to help personalize this grieving process for the child. 

A very useful exercise to assist with grieving is to write a letter to the loved one that has passed. This can be done repeatedly to express feelings, things remembered and missed, and as a way to feel you are updating them with ongoing life.

I have composed a letter template that can be completed through writing or drawing or both, that can be used with your child, client or student to assist them through the grieving process. The template focuses on the ideas expressed in the book. It might be very helpful to first have the child answer the questions as Gus might answer them if he was writing a letter to Ida. Then, they can personalize to themselves. 

I recommend encouraging children to draw pictures for the loved one. This has the added benefit of providing the child with expressing these thoughts and memories through the sensory experience of drawing and coloring, which is therapeutic in itself. This letter likely will need to be done over several sessions as to not be overwhelming. Younger children may need reminders of some of their memories and more prompting. 

The letter ideas are written below and I have included a link to a printable pdf file with room for pictures below. 
​
Dear_________________________, 

​1. I remember when we: 

2. When you were sick, it was so sad when:  it was so scary when:

3. I wish we could have:

4. You made me laugh when:

5. I liked helping you with: 

6. The things I miss the most about you are: 

7. These are the things I hear, see, taste, smell, touch, that remind me of you:

Love, _________________

Learning words for feelings, how they feel in your body, and how they look on others is crucial to social-emotional development. This skill is not something that children learn quickly, but a concept that requires frequent repetition and practice. The reason for tantruming in toddlers and young children is the fact that they have not yet learned to regulate their own emotions. Many adults continue to struggle with identifying and modulating their emotions. The lack of this skill can cause problems with relationships as well as behavioral problems throughout life. It is important to start the learning process about feelings as early as possible. 

Talking about, modeling and reading about feelings with children from a young age can give them a head start in mastering emotional regulation. There are a number of children's books about feelings out in the world, but one of my favorites is The Color Monster, the story of emotions by Anna Llenas. 

The Color Monster is a simple, powerful book. Through the experience of an irresistibly adorable monster and his young helper, kids can eagerly learn about their emotions. Ms. Llenas explains feelings in a clear, supportive, child-friendly manner. The collage-like illustrations and vivid colors bring the words to life. 

The crayon-colored monster starts out confused, with his emotions all mixed together. His young friend helps him sort out his emotions so he can make sense of how he feels. The book explores the main emotions including happy, sad, angry, scared and calm. Ms. Llenas describes clearly how each emotion feels. The illustrations pull you into the story and help you to feel the emotion, along with the monster. The exaggeration of monster's facial expressions and the vivid colors makes this book especially friendly to very young children. The Color Monster is appropriate for kids ages 2.5 - 8. 

There are tender, supportive statements woven into the story to support young children when learning about difficult emotions. The story ends on a sweet, loving note. The take-away from the story is if you sort out those big feelings and try to understand where they are coming from, you can help yourself feel better. This is a good message and reminder for all of us!

Below is an activity to help your own kids, clients or students sort out their feelings. 

Materials Needed: 
7 small clear plastic containers
Large bag of M & M candies or anything small that can be sorted by color
Hand drawn face circles, printed face emojis or colored round labels
Sharpie black marker
Crayons
Scissors
Glue (silocone glue works better on plastic)